Of course alcohol makes you sleepy.

As anyone who’s had a few drinks, passed out, woken up, and wondered “wtf happened?” can attest to.

Which is why you don’t drink and then decide to drive.

Already driving while sleepy is dangerous, and driving while drunk is dangerous, making driving while sleepy downright reckless.

James Couillard didn’t get the memo.

He was found asleep with his foot on the brake at an intersection, and we can at least be thankful that his foot was on the brake and not on the gas.

His claim was that he was “drinking ‘a lot’ of alcohol throughout the afternoon”.

I’m sure the police were not at all surprised…or amused.

You’ve heard of farmer’s tan, right?

When you wear a short sleeve shirt out in the sun and get tan forearms and noticeable lines?

Or for rich white people reading, when you’re playing tennis too long and the reflection off the windows of your mansion turns your lily-hued epidermis from right above the elbow down the faintest shade of beige?

i knew i should’ve gotten the coupé!

In Woodmancote, UK, a man got a farmer’s DUI when he was “charged with making off with a tractor while over the alcohol limit”.

I read that as “making out” the first time, which oddly didn’t surprise me, despite the fact that I’m not well read enough on rural English geography to delineate country humor.

It made it sound like he stole it, in which case, yes, it is impossible to steal a tractor sober.

When you’re a 7-year-old girl who watches your sister die in a car accident, it’s a traumatic experience.

It’s even more so when the driver is your mom, and she’s drunk.

And then things get weird:

Mary Carberry had already been banned from driving at the time of the accident. After two previous DUIs, Mary had no license and no insured vehicle. Faith’s father – also being targeted in the girl’s lawsuit – claims that he bought Mary a car, but didn’t expect her to drive it. He’d merely purchased the car after Mary allegedly told him that the children were “wet and cold” walking to and from school.

These have got to be the worst parents of the year.

If your the child of these two–you’ve lived more life than most people will ever live in theirs.

I wonder if the producers of the Real Housewives series of shows just offer the castmates an IV of white wine in-between takes.

But this quote from castmate Joe Gorga (one of the househusbands in New Jersey) takes the cake:

You can’t even talk you’re so drunk and high … go sniff another line!

In all honesty, this show is a drunkcrime within itself.

It’s also strange in that they advocate alcohol use at every turn–at parties, at dinners, at reunions, at interviews (Andy Cohen has a ski to hold shots, for chrissakes)–but never weed.

Why is that?

can you imagine this b*tch stoned?

Many think that the worst thing to happen to the greater NYC area are the Real Housewives.

However, this real housewife is worse than the rest:

A Long Island mom was busted for drunk driving with three kids in her car late Saturday night after she crashed into another vehicle and fled the scene.

Not only three random kids either—her toddler son and two of her grandchildren.

Lesson: don’t drive drunk…

in Long Island…

with your child and grandkids in the car…

and try to flee on foot.

grandmas these days…

Sometimes when you’re drunk, the floor feels like a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

that would make this a sleep number bed

However, one man was found “lying drunk against a lamp-post” in the UK.

In typical UK fashion, however, it’s the descriptions they use that make all the difference.

The man wasn’t homeless, he’s “of no fixed abode”.

What’s sad is what’s said of the man, however:

He is addicted to alcohol, is very hard of hearing and has very bad sight in the one eye he has.

Lesson: if you’re falling asleep on a lamp post, blind, homeless, and an alcoholic—get help.

Driving drunk on a motorcycle is a stupid thing.

Driving drunk and speeding on a motorcycle is a stupider thing.

Driving drunk and speeding on a motorcycle past a cop car is the stupidest thing.

Arnet E. Morelan, 57, of 310 Napoleon Street, has been charged with aggravated driving while under the influence of alcohol and issued multiple traffic citations. Morelan was previously convicted of driving under the influence in 1990 and 2009 in Madison County, according to a statement from the Madison County Sheriff’s Department.

Two prior DUIs too.

How many DUIs is too many?

eleventy

At what point do you realize you should just stop driving drunk altogether?

And just how stupid can one man be?

Let’s face it—sometimes we don’t always look our best in public.

Whether it’s a quick run to the grocery store or the ATM, fashion is not a priority.

A woman in Caledonia, WI wearing “furry 8-inch high slippers” was arrested after swerving and turning down a ride in a limo from a friend.

The description of what happens after the arrest is fascinating, however:

While at the police station the officer noted in the report that the woman had several mood changes. She called him “Honey” or “Sweetie” and asked him if he wanted to “‘spar naked’ with her” because she had a black belt in martial arts.

The woman also cried, said she lived with her parents and that they were going to be angry with her. Turning her anger at the police officer, the woman told him that he was “ruining her life.”

The woman was also 40, known as “the age at which you should know better”.

these could have been her daughters…